Parenting when you’re spiraling:
because anxiety stops for no one
On days where my anxiety feels like it wants to drown me; I’m talking racing pulse, intrusive thoughts, or zoning out, it can be incredibly hard to show up and parent. The weight of the world feels like it’s closing in and my brain can’t stop the thoughts- but at the same time breakfast has to be made, shoes need to be laced, and motherhood must still go on.
If this feels like something you can relate to, I’m so glad you’re here; Let’s talk about the reality of parenting with anxiety.
There are too many days where I’m folding laundry with a deep pit in my stomach, wondering if I felt a lump, or if that pain is something new. If that blood work I just did could actually rule out everything I was nervous about. The endless stream of thoughts ALONE are enough to make me want to hide under the covers and never come out. Health anxiety is sneaky like that, one little thought spirals into a full fledge breakdown and the next thing you know you’re deep diving on google (aka the worst place to end up). Try adding parenting on top of that and it can feel crushing. One minute I’m cuddling my kids in bed, the next I’m wondering about my risk of developing dementia. It’s like being two people at once, the loving and present mom who just wants to enjoy every moment with her kids and the other one who is drowning in what ifs and is terrified constantly.
And while the guilt of this eats at me some days (because the scared mom is usually short with her kids, is not the fun mom, and just feels overstimulated constantly), I know that I AM showing up for my kids. Even at my most anxious, I still show up and that counts for something.
When I find myself in a spiral, here are some tools I use to help:
THE 24 HOUR RULE- When I feel an ache, a heart palpitation, or any new symptom I write it down in my notes app and just let myself feel it. THAT’S IT. No googling, no deep diving, just acknowledging and making a note. If it still bothers me after 24 hours, and the anxiety hasn’t naturally faded, I’ll call my doctor before consulting google ( because we all know google just makes things feel so much scarier). Sometimes I give myself 7 days if my anxiety feels manageable but for the sake of this, just give yourself 24 hours to start.
LOW EFFORT MOMING- Some days the anxiety hits HARD while parenting and when that happens everything goes out the window. Movie day on the couch? Heck yes. Messy toys on the floor, dishes in the sink, and no plans to leave the house, sign me up. When anxiety has a grip on me, I remind myself that my kids won’t remember the messy day, they’ll just remember cuddling on the couch for hours with mom. Here’s some easy low effort activities you can set up if you need ideas-
Give kids boxes to decorate with all of the art supplies they could want
Set kids up with bowls of water and paintbrushes and let them go crazy painting things outside
Play simon says and just be silly together
Sit outside on a picnic blanket with a pile of books and some snacks
Throw everyone in the bath with glow sticks and music
FIND MY ZEN- While positive thoughts and vibes may work well for some people, my brain doesn’t care for it so I have to find other ways to calm the chaos. For me that looks like reading a book, going for a walk, texting a friend, even listening to music. I give myself permission to just find my zen and take my space. Remind yourself that taking care of YOU is just as important as taking care of your kids. BTW, check in and make sure you’ve been eating and drinking too. The first thing I lose when im anxious is my appetite and that helps nothing.
PHONE A FRIEND- I truly believe that having a community of mom friends that you can turn to in the hard moments is invaluable so reach out the them when things feel overwhelming. Have a friend come over for a play date to give you an easy distraction or go out together on an outing so you find a way to get out of your head. If things feel especially overwhelming, having someone else you can confide in or even be a sounding board can be invaluable so give yourself permission to lean on your support systems.
CALL IT OUT- Sometimes you have to call out your anxiety and label it for what it is. This helps to identify when you’re in a negative thought spiral and to also take away some of anxiety’s power. So when I feel my heart racing or my brain starts to whisper “what if,” I tell myself:
“This is my anxiety talking right now. I’ve gone through this before and everything turned out ok. Everything is going to be ok again.”
Anxiety is a sneaky little thing and sometimes you just have to call it out on its crap.
These are just some tools that I use that I find helpful so I wanted to share them in case you ever feel overwhelmed and need a little help, but also to show you that you’re not alone in your anxiety and if anyone understands, its this mom right here. You’re not failing, in fact you’re still showing up for tiny humans even when things feel so overwhelming and hard. So in case no one told you today:
It’s ok if all you did was watch movies and hang out.
It’s ok if dinner was cereal or some random plate of assorted snacks.
It’s ok if you cried in the bathroom (or even in front of your kids) and then showed up to parent again.
Kids don’t need a perfect parent, they just need a real one.
